God brought me out of a long period of darkness and sometimes I wonder if He's given me a sensitivity to the loneliness. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed and once I do all I want is to crawl back in. These days scare me. They stir up fear within me because I don't ever want that darkness to return.
But sometimes, if I were to be completely honest, I miss it. Not the darkness itself. I miss the way I couldn't help but draw nearer to Jesus. Those were days that had me feeling defeated, but not forgotten. They were desperate, but not hopeless. Those were days that were so painfully lonely that it was truly just me and Him. But what better place to be really?
Today my loneliness is different.
It's got me thinking about Kate.
Wondering what her loneliness is like.
As I wonder, I quickly realize I don't have the slightest clue about lonely.
I've only known lonely within the context of a comfortable American life beside a loving family who championed me each step of the way.
I've only known lonely with my Savior. The kind of lonely where I know that no matter what I feel, the truth is that He is always with me...my rock, my refuge.
But her lonely...
Her lonely stands separated from my lonely by a world I never knew, never will know...worlds apart.
Her lonely is without the safety a family should provide, without the comfort of a Savior.
Her lonely happens within the confines of a large cement building, surrounded by the lonely of so many other children in the same situation.
Her lonely wonders why she isn't worthy of a family.
Her lonely believes she is not wanted.
Her lonely wipes away its own tears, instead of having the loving touch of a mommy to wipe them.
Her lonely doesn't get to greet a daddy at the end of his work day with a tight hug.
Her lonely doesn't hear, "I'm so proud of you" as she experiences the firsts of life.
Her lonely doesn't know the words, "You are precious. You are loved."
As I think of her lonely and my lonely, I am in awe of God's great redemptive story. I stand in awe that He has brought so much healing to my life and has turned it around in ways I never knew possible.
Look among the nations, and see;
wonder and be astounded.
For I am doing a work in your days
that you would not believe if told.
Now I look forward to the redemption that I pray K will experience one day. I wait expectantly. I hope.
I have a feeling that one day it will be from her lonely that I will learn to love better, to care more deeply, to live more fully. In so many ways I know that she will be the teacher, I the student.
I pray that God would His love within us to prove that lonely can be abandoned for forever family.
I am reminded that I have been rescued and redeemed and my story's not over.
I have hope that she will be rescued and redeemed and that her story is just beginning.
We adopt not because we are the rescuers.
We adopt because we are the rescued.
I know that my life is being changed through this process, but I continue to be in awe of the fact that my 3 year old's life is also being changed...
The day after I returned from taking Kate back to LA to fly home, this is the conversation my littlest one and I had...
Andee: Walks out of her room asking, "Is Kate downstairs?"
Me: "No, honey, she's on a plane flying home."
Andee: "With no mommy and no daddy and no things?"
Me: "Yes, honey."
Andee: "But you can be her mommy."
The simple beauty of a child's world.
And just today she said, "Mommy, when Kate come back? It taking long time for Kate come back."
Even Andee, at 3 years old, has not forgotten Kate. Her little life was blessed by an orphan...and will never be the same.