Sunday, June 24, 2012

A look back

This isn't something I talk about often because, quite honestly, I don't love the topic.  Some might say it's inappropriate to be so open about it, but frankly I don't care.  Over 12 years ago I found myself severely depressed and on the search for a medication that would make it all better.  It took about 2 years to find the right medication, the one that "worked for me", and it was awful...hell.  So, for over 10 years I've been on this anti-depressant with occasional bouts of thinking I was okay enough to stop taking it.  Cold turkey.  Never a good idea.

10 years.  And now, I am almost completely anti-depressant free and, more importantly, depression-free.  At least the clinical type.  Of course, I still have moments, sometimes days, when I get down and wonder if what I feel is normal, but I'm becoming convinced over time that it is.  I'm so grateful for the psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Sivak, that I found over a year ago.  A Bible believing Christian.  Yes, there really is a psychiatrist out there that loves Jesus, too!  Really?  I know, I didn't think it was possible either.  He is so wonderful because for the first time I have a doctor who wants to get me off medication, not put me on more!

God has been so good to me through this journey.  I have adamantly refused to believe that I needed to be on medication for my whole life, while all the doctors I've seen until now have told me just that.  But God...  He has been faithful to me!  While some might say that being on medication means that I haven't trusted God to heal me, I would argue just the opposite.  Being on an anti-depressant is what required me to trust God more.  To trust Him that if I did, in fact, have to be on this stuff the rest of my life, ultimately my life is in His hands anyway.

I praise Him, the Creator of my body and my mind, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Yep, it's hard to believe this sometimes, but I know it's true because He says so and I will choose to believe Him.

  Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.  Psalm 139:14-16 MSG

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